My 8 year old son....

Mattox,
I can't believe 8 years ago you made me a mom. It has been the best 8 years of my life. I honestly can't believe God gave me a son like you. You are such a good boy. You are smart, kind, generous, loving, responsible, a good friend, and an excellent brother. You are also impulsive and a bit silly at times. You love to be the center of attention. You love playing with friends, Pokemon, Beyblades, and basketball. You are just an all around awesome kid. There isn't much else to write.

Dad and I could not be more proud of you. You do great in school, sports, and love Jesus. So far, you have made great friend choices. I know God has big plans for you. I pray you continue to keep your eyes on Him. I pray you learn to say, "yes" to Him like you do with us. I pray His hand will protect you and you will grow up to be a strong man of God.

Happy 8th Birthday buddy.

Love,
Mom

Sam turns 6!

Sam,

       Happy 6th Birthday. I can't believe I don't have a 5 year old anymore. Where is the time going? As you get older, I learn more and more about what is going on in that head of yours...and there is A LOT GOING ON IN THAT HEAD. This year has been an amazing year. You are completely in love with Mrs. Carlson, your Kindergarten teacher. She was amazing and gracious and pretty, so you have good taste. This year, you have grown so much. You are smart, funny, kind, sensitive, VERY TALKATIVE, happy, and creative. This year you quit gymnastics and started wrestling. You played your first season of basketball and second season of T-ball. You enjoy being around others, but you don't take sports too seriously. In fact, I think you would rather not compete. You love to perform. You just started taking piano, and you seem to like it. You love to sing and dance. I love hearing you perform. It is completely adorable. 

       Sam, you love Mattox. You follow him around everywhere. You quickly learn everything about what he is interested in and talk about it constantly. You both are really into Pokemon and Bayblades right now. You are best friends.  

       You absolutely love getting lost in stories. You fall asleep almost every night listening to an audiobook. You just listened to and watched Harry Potter for the 1st time. It was fun to watch you enjoy that.

       I love you so much, Sam. You love me so well and offer me so much grace. You are going to do great things when you get older. I am not sure what, but they will be great. God has His hand on your little heart, and you seem to be growing in your walk with the Lord. I hope 6 treats you well. I hope that I soak in all the sweetness you offer me and those around you. You are a true treasure.

Love Mom.

Looking through the clouds to see the SON.

       It has been a while since I have written. I have been good about writing a note to my kids on their birthdays, but this blog use to be a place where I wrote about things God was showing me on a regular basis. It use to be a fun place to express how God was loving on me in a very personal way, and molding me into His likeliness. As a stay at home mom, this blog was a very fun and creative outlet for me as I survived the early years of having 2 babies.
       A few years ago, some things happened in our marriage that were hard. The struggle was very real, and although, He was moving mountains and honoring our decision to fight for each other, I couldn't write about it. Our broken marriage tainted the way I saw everything and I simply couldn't write about what God was doing in my life, how He was restoring our marriage, without going into personal details.
       Hard times change the lens by which we look at the world. Hard times seem like they will never end, and just when you begin to see the light, sometimes, there are setbacks. Hard times keep us in constant communication with the Lord, but sometimes those conversations are very raw. Sometimes we are begging Him to follow OUR plan and not HIS. Sometimes, hard times end up giving us an amazing testimony that offers others freedom. Hard times refine us and strengthen us. However, they are sometimes dark times where you feel alone and unable to be transparent.
       Yesterday, it was a beautiful day outside. The sun was shining and it was hot. I was playing on the driveway with my 1 year old who is obsessed with his pointer finger and birds. He loves to point out each bird he sees to me. So, there I was, birdwatching with my baby, and saw something I had seen several times in my life. I saw a big cloud, covering the sun. Because of the cloud coverage, I could see the perfect circle in this sky, giving off light. The light was completely contained in that circle. I am sure you have seen something similar at one point or another. It was really neat. As I was looking at the sun, through the clouds, I was reminded that often times it is through our hard times and dark clouds, that we see the Son most clearly. It is often during our struggles and doubts, that God reveals Himself most clearly. Often, it is during our hard times, that God is able to reveal himself to others as well. Hard times gives us compassion, and allows us to point others to Christ. I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:9-11, where Paul says,

My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

My marriage hasn't always been strong. It is stronger now. We showed up weak...He made us strong...and is continuing to write our love story.

Happy 1st Birthday Elijah Kelly Reeder

Eli, Baby E, Little, E,

       Those are just some of your nicknames. You just turned 1 and I can't believe how quickly the first year went by. So far, you have been a really good baby. You are very demanding and you don't like to be put down. You want to be carried around everywhere. You LOVE music and we listen to music all day together on my phone. We recently got a new dog named, Molly. She is crazy and needs a lot of exercise. You love it when we go on walks, so I try to take you every day. I put my music on speaker and we go around the neighborhood. You love it. You seem to love being outside and especially love the water.

       You look so much like Sam and remind me so much of Mattox. You love books. You crawl (army crawl) around from one book to the next. You especially love books that are tactile. You love Grabby and especially get excited to see PawPaw. You can say a few words already, and you seem to be a smart little guy. This year has been so much fun. Earlier this year you were dedicated at church. This summer you went to the beach for the first time and in November, you went on a Disney Cruise.

       Eli, I couldn't imagine our family without you. It has been so much fun to watch Mattox and Sam watch you grow over this year. They think everything you do is so cute. They love to try to make you laugh. You and dad have a special connection. You are constantly saying, "da da," and your face lights up when he walks into the room....as does his.

I love you so much. Happy 1st Birthday. My God's loving hand cover you and guide you this next year.

Love always,
Mom

Happy 5th Birthday Sam!

Sam,
       Happy 5th Birthday! I can't believe you are 5. You are no longer in preschool, and off to real school this year. This year has been a big year for you. You learned to ride a bike with no training wheels right after school started. You played Tball this spring. This school year, you learned to read. And most importantly, you became a BIG BROTHER!
       This year I have learned so much about you. I see so many similarities between you and your dad. You are so sweet and kind. You make me laugh daily. You are slow to do everything, because you are in your own world. You enjoy snuggles on the couch and having my undivided attention. At just 4 years old, you can read a room…and work the room. Everyone loves you. You wear a smile all day, every day. You rarely cry or have any kind of melt down. You are smart, funny, loving, respectful, and strong willed. When you decide to do something, there is no holding you back. You don't let "no" stop you. You find another way to get what you want. You are persistent and at times manipulative. You are going to be a very talented man one day.
       You still memorize commercials and love to dress up and pretend. You love legos and your imagination is AMAZING. You love to cook and help me in the kitchen. I always joke and say that you might have your own cooking show on TV, because you talk constantly and love to cook. :) Your handwriting is good for your age. You are gentle with Eli, and you talk to him a very sweet voice. You always call him, "big," and he loves when you talk to him.
       Sam, you are an awesome son, brother, and friend. This year I have really seen you shine among your peers. I am obviously SO proud of you and pray that you grow strong in the Lord, as this world gets more difficult to navigate. Happy 5th Birthday. I pray God allows many more, and I couldn't be more thankful He gave you to me. I love you to the MAX!

LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER,
MOM

Staying Engaged in the Process

                         Marriage is hard. Anyone who says that marriage is easy, is a liar.

       So far, in my marriage journey, there have been definite ups and downs. We have hit some pretty significant roadblocks, and have had to learn to work through them. We will likely continue to have our ups and downs, and will have to work through them again. and again. and again. 

       I want other people to know my marriage isn't perfect. Neither is my family. We are an institution, made up of 5 selfish sinners. We are broken people who want things our way. It is a daily struggle to say, "no" to ourselves and "yes" to God. It is hard to practice being the "least of these," in a culture that only esteems the first and best. It isn't easy to turn our eyes upward and live accountable to God only, as we are  tempted to look outward at what everyone else is doing. This journey that the Lord has before us, isn't easy. However, one thing I am learning, is that it's a process.

       A few years ago I went to counseling. (Yes we go to counseling. We feel a strong marriage is one of the single best gifts we can give our kids, and therefore should be one of the biggest places in which we invest. Having an objective person who is trained in this area is a great investment). Every time I would go, she would say the same thing…"it's a process." It was the most annoying thing ever! It seemed to be her go to line for me. Her answer for everything. I had never thought about love in this context before. I just thought that love should exist, and it should look the way I wanted it to. To me, love was more black and white than that. Not a process. That was a new concept for me. An important concept for me to understand and embrace. Did you know, the number one predictor of divorce, is how ENGAGED you stay with the PROCESS? So, in other words, Chris and I can get it ALL wrong, for a long period of time, but if we both stay engaged in the process of bettering our marriage, we have a really good shot at staying together forever. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that refreshing? Despite our failures at loving each other, the longevity of our marriage, is truly in our hands. 

       I am learning to not only embrace the process…but love it. I'm not going to lie. It is hard. Isn't it? It requires so much of us. Patience. Forgiveness. Constant communication. Time. Energy. Being intentional. Selflessness. Availability. Money. The list goes on and on. The process is where we have no choice but to allow do-over after do-over. In the process, there can never be enough mulligans. The process can be disappointing. It can be throw your head back, punch a wall, frustrating. However, the process is where God is at work. It is where He refines us, and we know from past experiences, that is never an easy place to be. However, it's where God teaches us TO LOVE the way Jesus loves. It is where we learn to meet each other where we are at, and go from there. It is where we learn to forgive and move on. It is where we learn to take our failures, disappointments, fear, anger, and hurt, all to the GOD OF ALL COMFORT.  It is where we learn to surrender. It is where we learn to lean into God for HIS strength to make it another day. It's where we see if God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do. It is where we see, if what we sing on Sunday, is true on Thursday. It is where we see if He is indeed, more than enough. The process is one test after the next. One opportunity to improve after the next. It is one chance to become a better listener, giver, friend, lover, leader, follower, prayer worrier, after the next. It is where we rejoice in the victories, and fight through the failures. It is where we decided if we will press on or check out. 

         I am on a journey as a Christian, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and a friend. It's a process, and I am choosing to stay engaged.

Welcome Elijah Kelly Reeder

Hi Eli,
You have been here for about 3 months, and I am just now sitting down to write about how much I love you. It isn't because of you that it has taken me so long. So far, you have been the MOST AMAZING BABY. You are a sound sleeper, and you really don't cry often. You are so adorable, and at times you look like Paw Paw and Dad. Mostly, you look like Sam. You love your little hands and look at them and suck on your fingers all the time. You also play with your ears a lot. You are so cute.
I don't get to hold you as much as I would like, because I am so busy trying to keep the house from falling apart. You love the swing, so I try not to feel too guilty.

Your brothers love you so much. They are very gentle with you and always say sweet stuff to you, using a high voice, so you will smile at them. It is so nice to see them love on you…and you respond. You and dad have a special bond. Your eyes light up when you see him, and you smile and laugh when he talks to you. I love to watch the two of you interact.

Eli, I pray that you will grow up to be an awesome and strong man of God. That you will be bold in your faith and wise with your words. That you will treat people kindly and fairly. That you will dream big and work hard.

Welcome to the family. You will always be loved.

Love,
Mom