Staying Engaged in the Process

                         Marriage is hard. Anyone who says that marriage is easy, is a liar.

       So far, in my marriage journey, there have been definite ups and downs. We have hit some pretty significant roadblocks, and have had to learn to work through them. We will likely continue to have our ups and downs, and will have to work through them again. and again. and again. 

       I want other people to know my marriage isn't perfect. Neither is my family. We are an institution, made up of 5 selfish sinners. We are broken people who want things our way. It is a daily struggle to say, "no" to ourselves and "yes" to God. It is hard to practice being the "least of these," in a culture that only esteems the first and best. It isn't easy to turn our eyes upward and live accountable to God only, as we are  tempted to look outward at what everyone else is doing. This journey that the Lord has before us, isn't easy. However, one thing I am learning, is that it's a process.

       A few years ago I went to counseling. (Yes we go to counseling. We feel a strong marriage is one of the single best gifts we can give our kids, and therefore should be one of the biggest places in which we invest. Having an objective person who is trained in this area is a great investment). Every time I would go, she would say the same thing…"it's a process." It was the most annoying thing ever! It seemed to be her go to line for me. Her answer for everything. I had never thought about love in this context before. I just thought that love should exist, and it should look the way I wanted it to. To me, love was more black and white than that. Not a process. That was a new concept for me. An important concept for me to understand and embrace. Did you know, the number one predictor of divorce, is how ENGAGED you stay with the PROCESS? So, in other words, Chris and I can get it ALL wrong, for a long period of time, but if we both stay engaged in the process of bettering our marriage, we have a really good shot at staying together forever. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that refreshing? Despite our failures at loving each other, the longevity of our marriage, is truly in our hands. 

       I am learning to not only embrace the process…but love it. I'm not going to lie. It is hard. Isn't it? It requires so much of us. Patience. Forgiveness. Constant communication. Time. Energy. Being intentional. Selflessness. Availability. Money. The list goes on and on. The process is where we have no choice but to allow do-over after do-over. In the process, there can never be enough mulligans. The process can be disappointing. It can be throw your head back, punch a wall, frustrating. However, the process is where God is at work. It is where He refines us, and we know from past experiences, that is never an easy place to be. However, it's where God teaches us TO LOVE the way Jesus loves. It is where we learn to meet each other where we are at, and go from there. It is where we learn to forgive and move on. It is where we learn to take our failures, disappointments, fear, anger, and hurt, all to the GOD OF ALL COMFORT.  It is where we learn to surrender. It is where we learn to lean into God for HIS strength to make it another day. It's where we see if God is who He says He is, and will do what He says He will do. It is where we see, if what we sing on Sunday, is true on Thursday. It is where we see if He is indeed, more than enough. The process is one test after the next. One opportunity to improve after the next. It is one chance to become a better listener, giver, friend, lover, leader, follower, prayer worrier, after the next. It is where we rejoice in the victories, and fight through the failures. It is where we decided if we will press on or check out. 

         I am on a journey as a Christian, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an in-law, and a friend. It's a process, and I am choosing to stay engaged.

Welcome Elijah Kelly Reeder

Hi Eli,
You have been here for about 3 months, and I am just now sitting down to write about how much I love you. It isn't because of you that it has taken me so long. So far, you have been the MOST AMAZING BABY. You are a sound sleeper, and you really don't cry often. You are so adorable, and at times you look like Paw Paw and Dad. Mostly, you look like Sam. You love your little hands and look at them and suck on your fingers all the time. You also play with your ears a lot. You are so cute.
I don't get to hold you as much as I would like, because I am so busy trying to keep the house from falling apart. You love the swing, so I try not to feel too guilty.

Your brothers love you so much. They are very gentle with you and always say sweet stuff to you, using a high voice, so you will smile at them. It is so nice to see them love on you…and you respond. You and dad have a special bond. Your eyes light up when you see him, and you smile and laugh when he talks to you. I love to watch the two of you interact.

Eli, I pray that you will grow up to be an awesome and strong man of God. That you will be bold in your faith and wise with your words. That you will treat people kindly and fairly. That you will dream big and work hard.

Welcome to the family. You will always be loved.

Love,
Mom

Happy 4th Birthday Sam

Sam,
       You've turned 4! You are seriously, the funniest, sweetest, kid…ever! This year I have watched you grow taller and skinnier. Your smile is still as big as your face. I just…love you. You love to lay in bed and snuggle with me in the mornings. We talk about everything, but mainly you want to talk about dogs. You love dogs. All year you have said, "when I grow up, I want to be a dog." It will be a sad day  for me when you realize that won't be possible.
       Sam, you are so smart and creative. You are always coming up with stuff to pretend play. It is totally exhausting, but I love to watch you get in character. Did I mention you memorize every commercial you hear? "Mom, do you use Lysol? It kills 99% of germs related to the flu virus." "Mom, did you know you can use Oxyclean on multiple surfaces?" "Mom, have you ever heard of the Bible Tour? The Bible comes to life like never before." "Will you buy me Pajaminals? They are great for both day and night!" You could totally be on a commercial.
       You are so good at school. You behave well, and your teachers love you. You are so charming. You and Mattox are best buds and you play together all the time. I love that you guys love each other.
This year you found out that you are going to be a big brother. You were soooo excited and PROUD. You "kiss my baby" every day by gently kissing my belly. It. Is. So. Sweet!
       I enjoy watching you understand and claim God's promises and love in your little heart. My prayer is that you will grow every year in your love for the Lord. That your eyes would be opened to his goodness and love in the midst of this dark broken world. I pray you will be a tool of love and reconciliation, no matter where you are or what you do. May God have his hand on your heart and mind for all the years to come. My sweet sweet Sam….I love you all the way to Pluto and back.

Happy Birthday

-Mom

Proverbs 16:24

       Proverbs 16:24 "Kind worlds are like honey-sweet to the soul and healthy for the body."

       Several years ago, I remember being totally overwhelmed as a mom. I had a 2 year old and a newborn, and it was not easy. My oldest son was very go with the flow, until he turned about 2 and a half. Then he started melting down all the time. Over everything. I wasn't sure what was going on with him. I asked around and everyone seemed to think that he was just doing what normal 2 year olds do. I had a different feeling. With every transition came a difficult meltdown. Every time he got dressed and undressed, it was difficult. In order to cut his hair or cut his fingernails, I had to put him in front of the TV. When I dropped him off at church, I felt like I needed to talk to the teacher, and give her tips on how to handle him. I thought perhaps something wasn't right, but everyone around me didn't see it. During that time period, I lived on the Supernanny website. Her ideas worked. They gave me the tools I needed to be consistent, predictable, and fair. Her techniques allowed me to keep my cool and keep my eye on goal at hand.
       Mattox and Sam were both constantly sick during that time. Mattox had a chronic cough that would keep us all up at night. He was eventually diagnosed with asthma. Sam had ear infections about every month and eventually got tubes. Thank God for tubes.
       Those early days are hard days. They are so physically exhausting and you can seemingly do everything in your power to create the home and child you want, and it can be tossed back in your face with things that are out of your control.  On one particular day, I was at the doctor, AGAIN. I was there with both boys and I felt like a complete failure as a mom. I felt that I couldn't even keep my kids healthy. I will never forget. My kid's pediatrician looked at me and said, "you are such a great mom."
       I thought I was going to cry. I didn't feel like a good mom, frequenting his office every month and having a kid that melts down over everything. In that moment. It was exactly what I needed to hear. It was so encouraging. Even if he said that to every mom that day that came to his office, I didn't care. I took it and ran with it. I felt validated. I felt that FINALLY someone saw that I was giving this parenting thing all I had. I was working hard to be the best mom I could be. After all, being a mom is one of the most important roles I have, and he said I was doing a great job.
       I will never forget how that made me feel. I try to tell my friends that they are great moms often. I would love to give to someone else what he gave to me that day. We all need to hear it, right? We are good moms. We are doing the best we can….and we are doing a great job.

Sovereign

       Earlier this year, my sister in law told me about a pastor in Wilmington that always comes up with a word for the year, and then evaluates how that word changes in his heart and mind from the beginning of the year to the end. I thought this was a clever idea and something I might try to implement. I would think of a trait that I would like to embrace more frequently in my personality, and keep it at the forefront of my mind all year. Maybe by the end of the year I will embody this trait easier than if I had not taken on this mental exercise. Well, as you can imagine, similar to most new year commitments, it only lasted a few weeks. My word was "lighthearted." "Free from anxiety or seriousness" as the dictionary reads. Maybe if I just focused on being more lighthearted, my anxiety will decrease and I won't take life so seriously. Well, it didn't work. In fact, this year has been exceptionally challenging. I don't even watch the news, yet I hear and read about horrible things all around the world. This world is so broken and evil is lurking at every corner. Girls are being kidnapped and sold into slavery. Africans are dying because of ebola. Americans are being beheaded. Children are being bused across boarders. Childhood cancer is increasing. The list goes on and on. How can you be lighthearted in this crazy world?
       "Lighthearted"has not been the world for me this year, but there has been a word that I have felt an ongoing nudge to explore. This word has questioned the way I live, asking, "Lauren, for whom are you living?" It has questioned what I believe, asking, "Lauren, who is in charge?" It has prompted hard discussions and life changing steps of faith, asking, "Lauren, do you trust me with your family? Your boys?" It has challenged my heart and changed my world view. The word is "Sovereign." This year, I have heard God challenging, "Lauren…I am either in control or I am not. I either keep my word or I don't. I am either on the throne or I am not….If you believe I am in control, then act like it and stop competing for control. If you believe I keep my promises, then live like it, and trust that which you can not see. If you believe I am on the throne, then stop all your worrying." I don't think it was ever God's intention for me to become more lighthearted, but rather, to come to the understanding that HE is in charge. It is HIS job to deal with all the chaos and it is my job to live out His word. It is His job to rule, and my job to follow his commands. Even if they are scary. Even if they are risky. Even if they put other's needs first and I get nothing in return. Ironically, lightheartedness and sovereignty go hand in hand on this journey. When we wrap our minds around God's sovereignty, we know that as Chris Tomlin says in his song, we can trust him.

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

The Good News Hits Home

Dear Sam,
       Today was such a special day. You have started back to school, but today you were with me all day, so I scheduled a play date with my friend Kara. You and her son are close in age, so we dropped off Mattox at school and headed to their house to play. You were very excited for this play date because they have hermit crabs. On the way to their house, you told me that you wanted to pray and ask God to come into your heart! I lead you in a prayer saying, "Dear God, I know that I am not perfect, and I want you to come into my heart and help me make good choices and be more like you. I want to give my life to you today. In Jesus name I pray, amen." As soon as we said amen, you said, "Mom…and He will NEVER EVER leave me, right?" I said, "That's right Sam. No matter how good or bad you are, He will never leave you. That is one of his promises, and God always keeps his promises."Once we got back to school to pick up Mattox, we told Mrs Pat, the director. She told you that all the angels in heaven are having a party and saying, "yayyyy Sam!" You liked to hear there was a party on your behalf.
       Sam, today you totally made my heart melt. You are such a good, funny, sincere, and loving boy. I am so happy that you gave your life to Christ. I pray that you learn to develop the courage to let Him mold you into the man He calls you to be. I pray that you will practice saying "no" to yourself and "yes" to Christ going forward for the rest of your life. I love you Sam. My heart overflows.

Love always,
Mom

Joni and Friends

  I finished my first year of college and was spending the summer as a youth intern at Calvary Church in Charlotte, NC. My boss for the summer was Pastor Clint Echols, the middle school Pastor at Calvary, and the Joni and Friends summer camp pastor. After spending the summer with middle schoolers, we took what I thought was going to be a break, and drove to Bonclarken, NC to work Joni and Friends camp. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had never heard of Joni and Friends, and I don't recall Clint telling me a lot about what I would be doing. I just rolled with it and hoped for the best. I had no clue the impact that Joni and Friends camp would have on me from that point forward.

       I will never forget the little girl I worked with that week. She was a skinny little red headed girl with glasses. I recall her having a chromosomal disorder, but for the most part, she was very high functioning. She always wanted to hold my hand, and would look up at me and ask, "you my priend?" She was so easy and fun. I felt bad that I didn't have to work really hard that week. My little buddy for the week was a walk in the park. I soon realized that my ministry that week was not really about my buddy. Of course I focused primarily on her, but God opened my eyes to several other kids at camp that needed attention. They were the siblings. They were the brothers and sisters of the campers. They were the ones that were always, out of necessity and not on purpose, on the back burner . The kids that, because of their family dynamics, had to grow up quickly, be responsible, and put themselves last. Always. 

       That week, I had extra energy to give to some of those siblings. Those siblings were used to being overlooked, but this week in particular, I made it my mission to give them attention. I will never overlook the siblings again. They are AMAZING kids. They are selfless and loving kids. They know the hard lesson of putting other's needs ahead of their own. They are helpful, graceful, and mature. Many of the siblings I met that summer are older now. Their hearts are beautiful and I have the utmost respect for them.

      For the next few summers, I worked camp. As I am typing this, I am trying to put into words what goes on at camp. In some ways, it's so pure. Volunteers come from all over, and put their needs aside, to embrace the needs of others. Campers travel from all over to have their much needed vacation. In some ways it is pure love mixed with complete chaos. Every special need: physical, mental, behavioral, are all together in one place for a week.
       The first dinner with everyone, for me, is always the hardest. In the mess hall, it is so loud. People are yelling and drooling. Wheel chairs are everywhere and some campers are sneaking around trying to steal food they aren't allowed to eat. It is complete and utter chaos. However, something magical happens that week. By the end of the week, none of that seems chaotic. None of it seems abnormal. Over the course of a week….the chaos becomes the new normal and is actually pretty awesome. As I look around the mess hall, I have no problem eating my food as I wipe my buddy's mouth. I have no problem taking my dinner roll BACK from the little girl who can't eat bread….but stole it off my plate while I was looking the other way. It's magical and fun. 

       In general, my experience with Joni and Friends has taught me many things. It has opened my eyes to the reality of what moms and dads go through, caring for someone with special needs. They are true heroes. They fight for their kids. They sacrifice for their kids. They lay down their life for their kids. My friends who are siblings, have taught me how to put myself last, a lesson I struggle to learn even to this day. My friends with special needs have taught me, that they want the same thing I do. They want acceptance. They want a future. They want friends. They are talented and have a lot to offer. They help us see the world differently. They challenge us to give more of ourselves. They are true overcommers. They teach us perseverance and surrender. They show us strength through humility. Their lessons are ongoing. 

       As I think back to all the memories I have working Joni and Friends camp, there is one conversation that sticks out. I remember asking a teenage girl who was paralyzed and in a wheel chair, on the last day of camp, "so, what did you learn this week?' Her answer I will NEVER forget. She said, "That we are not second class citizens." Volunteering with Joni and Friends has taught me just that. People with special needs are not second class citizens at all. They are truly unique and amazing people. 

Not long ago, Lara Liszka (one of the siblings I met at camp), whose twin sister has Down Syndrome, shared this verse with me: 

Isaiah 64:8 "O Lord, you are our father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are ALL the work of your hand."

Volunteering with Joni and Friends has truly been one of the most valued experiences of my life. If you want to join the fun visit: www.joniandfriends.org