Sovereign

       Earlier this year, my sister in law told me about a pastor in Wilmington that always comes up with a word for the year, and then evaluates how that word changes in his heart and mind from the beginning of the year to the end. I thought this was a clever idea and something I might try to implement. I would think of a trait that I would like to embrace more frequently in my personality, and keep it at the forefront of my mind all year. Maybe by the end of the year I will embody this trait easier than if I had not taken on this mental exercise. Well, as you can imagine, similar to most new year commitments, it only lasted a few weeks. My word was "lighthearted." "Free from anxiety or seriousness" as the dictionary reads. Maybe if I just focused on being more lighthearted, my anxiety will decrease and I won't take life so seriously. Well, it didn't work. In fact, this year has been exceptionally challenging. I don't even watch the news, yet I hear and read about horrible things all around the world. This world is so broken and evil is lurking at every corner. Girls are being kidnapped and sold into slavery. Africans are dying because of ebola. Americans are being beheaded. Children are being bused across boarders. Childhood cancer is increasing. The list goes on and on. How can you be lighthearted in this crazy world?
       "Lighthearted"has not been the world for me this year, but there has been a word that I have felt an ongoing nudge to explore. This word has questioned the way I live, asking, "Lauren, for whom are you living?" It has questioned what I believe, asking, "Lauren, who is in charge?" It has prompted hard discussions and life changing steps of faith, asking, "Lauren, do you trust me with your family? Your boys?" It has challenged my heart and changed my world view. The word is "Sovereign." This year, I have heard God challenging, "Lauren…I am either in control or I am not. I either keep my word or I don't. I am either on the throne or I am not….If you believe I am in control, then act like it and stop competing for control. If you believe I keep my promises, then live like it, and trust that which you can not see. If you believe I am on the throne, then stop all your worrying." I don't think it was ever God's intention for me to become more lighthearted, but rather, to come to the understanding that HE is in charge. It is HIS job to deal with all the chaos and it is my job to live out His word. It is His job to rule, and my job to follow his commands. Even if they are scary. Even if they are risky. Even if they put other's needs first and I get nothing in return. Ironically, lightheartedness and sovereignty go hand in hand on this journey. When we wrap our minds around God's sovereignty, we know that as Chris Tomlin says in his song, we can trust him.

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

All my life
All of me
Held in your hands

All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands

God, whatever comes my way
I will trust you

The Good News Hits Home

Dear Sam,
       Today was such a special day. You have started back to school, but today you were with me all day, so I scheduled a play date with my friend Kara. You and her son are close in age, so we dropped off Mattox at school and headed to their house to play. You were very excited for this play date because they have hermit crabs. On the way to their house, you told me that you wanted to pray and ask God to come into your heart! I lead you in a prayer saying, "Dear God, I know that I am not perfect, and I want you to come into my heart and help me make good choices and be more like you. I want to give my life to you today. In Jesus name I pray, amen." As soon as we said amen, you said, "Mom…and He will NEVER EVER leave me, right?" I said, "That's right Sam. No matter how good or bad you are, He will never leave you. That is one of his promises, and God always keeps his promises."Once we got back to school to pick up Mattox, we told Mrs Pat, the director. She told you that all the angels in heaven are having a party and saying, "yayyyy Sam!" You liked to hear there was a party on your behalf.
       Sam, today you totally made my heart melt. You are such a good, funny, sincere, and loving boy. I am so happy that you gave your life to Christ. I pray that you learn to develop the courage to let Him mold you into the man He calls you to be. I pray that you will practice saying "no" to yourself and "yes" to Christ going forward for the rest of your life. I love you Sam. My heart overflows.

Love always,
Mom

Joni and Friends

  I finished my first year of college and was spending the summer as a youth intern at Calvary Church in Charlotte, NC. My boss for the summer was Pastor Clint Echols, the middle school Pastor at Calvary, and the Joni and Friends summer camp pastor. After spending the summer with middle schoolers, we took what I thought was going to be a break, and drove to Bonclarken, NC to work Joni and Friends camp. I wasn't sure what to expect. I had never heard of Joni and Friends, and I don't recall Clint telling me a lot about what I would be doing. I just rolled with it and hoped for the best. I had no clue the impact that Joni and Friends camp would have on me from that point forward.

       I will never forget the little girl I worked with that week. She was a skinny little red headed girl with glasses. I recall her having a chromosomal disorder, but for the most part, she was very high functioning. She always wanted to hold my hand, and would look up at me and ask, "you my priend?" She was so easy and fun. I felt bad that I didn't have to work really hard that week. My little buddy for the week was a walk in the park. I soon realized that my ministry that week was not really about my buddy. Of course I focused primarily on her, but God opened my eyes to several other kids at camp that needed attention. They were the siblings. They were the brothers and sisters of the campers. They were the ones that were always, out of necessity and not on purpose, on the back burner . The kids that, because of their family dynamics, had to grow up quickly, be responsible, and put themselves last. Always. 

       That week, I had extra energy to give to some of those siblings. Those siblings were used to being overlooked, but this week in particular, I made it my mission to give them attention. I will never overlook the siblings again. They are AMAZING kids. They are selfless and loving kids. They know the hard lesson of putting other's needs ahead of their own. They are helpful, graceful, and mature. Many of the siblings I met that summer are older now. Their hearts are beautiful and I have the utmost respect for them.

      For the next few summers, I worked camp. As I am typing this, I am trying to put into words what goes on at camp. In some ways, it's so pure. Volunteers come from all over, and put their needs aside, to embrace the needs of others. Campers travel from all over to have their much needed vacation. In some ways it is pure love mixed with complete chaos. Every special need: physical, mental, behavioral, are all together in one place for a week.
       The first dinner with everyone, for me, is always the hardest. In the mess hall, it is so loud. People are yelling and drooling. Wheel chairs are everywhere and some campers are sneaking around trying to steal food they aren't allowed to eat. It is complete and utter chaos. However, something magical happens that week. By the end of the week, none of that seems chaotic. None of it seems abnormal. Over the course of a week….the chaos becomes the new normal and is actually pretty awesome. As I look around the mess hall, I have no problem eating my food as I wipe my buddy's mouth. I have no problem taking my dinner roll BACK from the little girl who can't eat bread….but stole it off my plate while I was looking the other way. It's magical and fun. 

       In general, my experience with Joni and Friends has taught me many things. It has opened my eyes to the reality of what moms and dads go through, caring for someone with special needs. They are true heroes. They fight for their kids. They sacrifice for their kids. They lay down their life for their kids. My friends who are siblings, have taught me how to put myself last, a lesson I struggle to learn even to this day. My friends with special needs have taught me, that they want the same thing I do. They want acceptance. They want a future. They want friends. They are talented and have a lot to offer. They help us see the world differently. They challenge us to give more of ourselves. They are true overcommers. They teach us perseverance and surrender. They show us strength through humility. Their lessons are ongoing. 

       As I think back to all the memories I have working Joni and Friends camp, there is one conversation that sticks out. I remember asking a teenage girl who was paralyzed and in a wheel chair, on the last day of camp, "so, what did you learn this week?' Her answer I will NEVER forget. She said, "That we are not second class citizens." Volunteering with Joni and Friends has taught me just that. People with special needs are not second class citizens at all. They are truly unique and amazing people. 

Not long ago, Lara Liszka (one of the siblings I met at camp), whose twin sister has Down Syndrome, shared this verse with me: 

Isaiah 64:8 "O Lord, you are our father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are ALL the work of your hand."

Volunteering with Joni and Friends has truly been one of the most valued experiences of my life. If you want to join the fun visit: www.joniandfriends.org

Happy 5th Birthday Mattox!

Mattox,
   
       Today you turn 5! Ahhh, where did the time go? It literally seems like yesterday when I quit my job to stay home with you. You were only 1 and now I have a little boy on my hands. This year has been a big one for you. You started 4 year old preschool at Calvary, and you had a good year. During the year we moved into a new house. We love our new home, but miss our old neighbors. Your best friends at school were Sammy, Jaxon, Megan, and Caroline. Your teachers were Mrs. Gae and Mrs. Heidi, and they both loved you. They said you were constantly saying nice things to them and others. You are a very charming little boy. I think you got that from your paw paw. You are not bashful about approaching a pretty girl, and you seem to know exactly what and whom you think is pretty. This year you have been totally in love with your Gopher Buddies teacher, Mrs. Jennifer. Every Wednesday night you would save a seat for her at dinner. You even got dressed up for her one night and told her you had been dreaming about her. HA.

       This year I have noticed you paying more attention to dad. I can tell you admire him and you ask about him a lot more. This year he took you to your first UNC basketball game. You were pumped up and all dressed in Carolina Blue. You were proud to go with dad, and he was beaming with pride. You also went to your first Braves game. You love the Braves and are constantly telling strangers that they are your dad's "favorite team." You ask dad if they win each day.

       You are experiencing a lot of new things these days. This year you took swim lessons and took gymnastics. I can't believe how much you are developing physically. You just started soccer and you are totally into it. It's fun to watch you learn and grow. You are starting to learn to read and write too. You love learning and I am hoping that never changes no matter what you do.

       You and Sam play perfectly together. You think he is funny and Sam is constantly laughing at you. You share your toys with him and are actually very sweet to him. You are such a good brother. Your favorite activity to do with Sam is get on your scooters and play in the rain. However, we just put a big playground in our back yard, and you love that too. You are always helping Sam get on and off the swings. It is sweet to watch you help him. I love watching you and Sam and Summer run around in the back yard laughing. You both think Summer is HILARIOUS because she runs around chasing the tennis ball you throw for her. When I watch the 3 of you, my heart just overflows with love and thankfulness.

       Happy 5th Birthday Mattox. You have forever changed me. You remind me to pay attention to the details….all the details…of everything around me….always. You remind me of God's promises, that he is always with us and helps us find strength when we are scared. You remind me to forgive. You remind me to encourage others. You are a very VERY special kid. Intelligent, loving, empathetic, and curious. I could not possibly love you more.

Love you forever,
Mom

Happy 3rd Birthday Sam

Dearest Sam,
Happy 3rd Birthday. This year has been so much fun. Shortly after your second birthday, you started to get really good at talking. I mean REALLY good at it! You started talking well and never stopped. This year you have literally talked…all…year…long. At times it can be a bit much, but it has been so much fun hearing what you have to say. You are smart, and sometimes you talk like someone twice your age. You have the best imagination ever and the best sense of humor.
This year has been the first for many things such as going to your first Braves game and having your first ER visit. This year you also started school at Calvary every Tuesday and Thursday morning. Your teachers are Mrs. Nancy and Miss Holly. You LOVE them. They are seriously, probably the best preschool teachers anyone could ever have. They have taught you so much this year. They tell me you are such a good boy at school. You follow directions and you are very kind to all your friends. Your best friends in school are Lara and Andrew. They both came to your party today. Starting preschool was rough in the beginning. You cried every day when I dropped you off until December. Then one day you decided you were going to be a big boy and walk in without crying. And that was that. You did the same with potty training. I tried to potty train you 2 times before you decided you wanted to. Once you decided you wanted to be a big boy, you got pretty good at it.
One thing you like me to do at night is tell you a story about Albert, a blue plane. I am not very creative, so it is hard for me to come up with stories for you, but when I do, you smile the entire time. It is so sweet. You have an amazing imagination and you love to paint and ride your scooter. You are even a bit out of control on your scooter according to Mattox. You are tough as nails. If you fall, you don't cry. You just get back up and start again.
Sam, this year has been so much fun. I have really gotten to see you become your own little person. I love what I am seeing. You are smart and hilarious. You make me laugh constantly. You are strong, but you are also very sensitive with babies and animals. You are very go with the flow, and you don't throw many fits. I couldn't ask for a better son. I love you with all I have.

Love always,
Your Mom

Natural Born Quitter

Dear Boys,
       I wanted to write about what I have learned about quitting and persevering. I purchased this framed picture before I went to college. I liked the picture and figured I would need the reminder that God is good to follow through with all that He promises. I had no clue the challenges ahead of me, and how frequently I would fight the urge to quit when things got tough. What I have learned through my softball career, graduate school, sales career, and even now in marriage, is that there is a correlation between perseverance and God's faithfulness.
        As I look back at my softball career, I see how faithful God was to me. While playing my first 2 years at the University of NC at Wilmington, I realized that not everyone wanted me to succeed. My first year I had a coach who liked me, and then my second year, had a coach who absolutely hated me. During that year, there were so many times I wanted to quit. She made my life miserable. I was being mistreated by my coach, and everyone around her. At times, I felt so small. I felt like quitting, and I didn't care if I ever played another game in my life. However, I didn't, and God was faithful. I turned my career COMPLETELY over to Him. Where did he take me? From one of the worst teams in the nation to one of the best. Literally, overnight.  Sometimes God uses crummy circumstances to make us desperate enough to turn things COMPLETELY over to Him.
       Tennessee was no cake walk. I was actually in over my head. The girls I was competing with and against for a spot on the team were some of the best in the nation. I was physically pushed to my limits. I was second guessing myself, left and right. I worked hard, but I was unsure if I could cut it. Especially when I went 0 for my first 15 at bats. I knew God had brought me to Tennessee, but I just wasn't sure I could succeed. Again, I turned it over to Him. I said, "God, if you want me to succeed, I will give you the glory, and if I don't succeed, I pray I will handle it in a way that people can still see You in me." God enabled me to do what I couldn't do on my own, and I graduated with academic and softball honors. I didn't quit, and God was faithful.
       Grad school was tough. Corporate America was tough. Marriage is tough. Life is tough. As you go through life you WILL desire to quit. Remember, there is a time to walk away from some circumstances (not the same as quitting)....and there is a time to fight through some circumstances. One thing I have learned, regardless of my circumstance, is IF you decide to persevere, your circumstance may not change. BUT, you WILL see God keep his promises to you. God never promises that your life will be easy. He never promises a happy life. He doesn't promise that people will like you, you will be rich, you will be safe, healthy, or successful. He does promise pardon of sin and sanctification of his people. He promises help during temptation and trials. He also promises guidance and a life after this world. All along, never leaving our side.
       The benefit you get, through perseverance, is NOT an altered circumstance or outcome; although, sometimes your circumstance DOES change. You get to look back, after the storm is over, and see that God is good, and He does keep his promises. You get to SEE Christ. You get to see how He directed your path, changed your heart, and enabled you to do things you couldn't do on your own. If you quit, you miss out. You miss God using your crummy circumstance to show Himself to you in a real, tangible way. Sometimes you miss miracles that He does in your heart, and in the heart of others. I pray you boys learn that quitting isn't the answer. Learn to face "it," whatever "it" is, and learn to hand it over to the Lord, fight as hard as you can fight, for as long as you can, and persevere. There is always an end to the storm....during the storm, try to be the better man, practice giving it to God, and being patient. Remember, God will walk with you, He will use it to change you, and you will look back and see His faithfulness in it all.

Love you always and forever,
Mom